Fear

I have been writing a lot on this thing,hmmm. I know one thing I feel fear. It feels as if someone is grabing at my heart and squeezing real hard. I know the source, I know why but that doesn't really realease its grips. I have a fear of being replaced, that I am easily replaceable. I have felt this before because it is triggered when there is lack of trust and certainty. We as humans fear and dread a time where no one will need us, that we have become eaisly exchange for something more fulfilling (not talking about God here but merely with each other). I guess that shows that I am holding on too tight to people. I cannot bear to be rejected by people that I hold on even to the bad stuff in my life because it at least gives me a sense of comfort, how sick is that. I would rather have something that will probably leave me, abuse me, and have no concern for me at all than have God fill me and complete me with love, trust, beauty, joy, and truth. I KNOW I am holding too tight, its killing me, why can't I see that, there have been like twenty times where this has occured and I have chosen to choose poorly each time.

So I realize that I am more healed when I address what I am going through aloud. The last coupld of days I have been fighting with the following feelings:

- anger
-confusion
-revenge

I have this urge to continue to feel these things towards a person because I feel that I am just in feeling this way. I was talking with someone who is friends with me and the person that I am having a hard time with, we will call them Ash. The friend informed me of something Ash said and it made me feel shameful and confused how to feel. A lot of what is going on can be placed on my shoulders, I knew better, but still I am left not knowing how to handle the situation. Many boundaries have been crossed, mostly emotionally. I want to blame Ash and also place my hurt on Ash, yeah not good, but its what I feel. Sometimes I feel that I can just ignore the situation and things will be ok, but this has happen before and I know that there is a chance it could happen again. I just feel like the one being tossed about, that Ash is not hurt about what has been going on. Sometimes I feel that people are wanting to protect Ash more than protecting me. That is how I am confused, but mainly just want to get even cause what the person to my friend was hurtful and didn't seem to consider my feelings in the matter. My friend said to look at the situation as it is, that Ash is not a christian so doesn't think the same way as would a christian, well even if so what Ash did, christian or not christian, the person knew better, especially when Ash considers me a friend! Ahhh, I want them to go away, these feelings of rage. I don't want them towards this person, I want to forgive myself for what I said and did, but I can't right now, I mean I can, but...

Truth:

- What I did was sin, plain and simple. No matter what the sin, it is forgiven.
-God wants to release me of these feelings and bring me to peace towards this person.
-I need to address this to the person, they need the right to know that I am hurt so that we can resolve the issue. Here I need to place boundaries and what this friendship should be.
-Stop blaming me or Ash, learn what it means to forgive and act on it.
-Stop being afraid of how others will react and do what is right.

I pray to have courage and be bold in my words and action.

I feel alone and tired. I had a hard day trying to keep my mind out of danger, and did not give it to God. When I was on facebook, I asked myself, "Anna, what are you searching for? Will it give you rest, will it make you not worry?" I know those answers cause I am left empty, and its addicting. I know who I should give it to, but I feel so unsure and distrustful to the only one that I can really trust.

Reach of a hand, a calming yet frighting reminder

that things have never really changed.

Locked with a secret key that only the soul and God can find,

yet you are able to unlock it, how can this be?

My walls of protection fall when your near, your weapon

simple pleasure and longing to fulfill what is lacking.

I am no woman, merely a little girl

wanting so much to be desired.

So I guess its time to be real. I have sinned, greatly towards my King and God, yet I feel like I don't know him so it doesn't hurt as much as I would have thought. It will not leave me, what I have done, and I feel alone. I know that I am weak and frail, I cannot let my self believe that I am able to fight it without God's help. What I am believing is that what I have done, I should have known better and that since I knew clearly what I did its worse and that God could not forgive such a sinner that keeps repeating the same thing. But then I know that God 

1. Can handle anything that I do.

2. is stronger than I allow him to be.

3. won't abandon me. I need to stop testing him, he is not going to leave me.

4. loves me.

5. is more than anything that I can come up with, he is a Mighty God. 

Its not by my actions that I am His child, but through His. It is through His Grace! 

 

Lately, I have been struggling with feelings towards a certain person, or more like a group of certain people: men. I noticed that I don't trust them and have a hard time even wanting to be around them. Its not that they are deliberately hurting me, but my friendships with them have become so shallow. I don't expect much out of them cause well they are just boys and getting to a certain closeness with them will hurt both of us, but what I do have with them seems so...fake. Its like we try so hard to strip anything that might cause us to have feelings for the other that we strip who we are. I hate friendships that can't allow me to have a friend, but simply a person who I barely know anything about.

Then there is this whole why doesn't anyone like me. It drives me nuts. I know I have had boys in the past like me, but what were they really. I mean they turned out to not really have wanted me but a relationship, so I don't really count them. And each time it turns out that way, well it pains me. Then I don't want to get close to any boy because what if I scare them off, what if I cannot meet their standards, or I really don't want him to like me and I think he does. It goes on. Honestly, I know the problem, and its really not a problem than an inconvenious at the moment, according to me. I know God loves and will provide the man when needed, he is just waiting until we are both ready to handle what he has for us. Maybe I can't, I can't seem even to really want God these days, which IS a problem. I have been so focused on not having the man I want, and complaining by ignoring God until he does, but the fact is I know he is not going to give in. He can't be moved or persuaded. I just am stubborn and unwilling to face facts. Instead of praying that he will change my heart, I expected him to say ok Anna you win. I guess I feel that if I have a man, I will at least know somewhat of the direction God is leading me, but I don't and am scared that maybe I am on my own. Ok. Right there is falsehood, God is not going to allow me to face the future alone, but I guess what I meant is that I haven't felt anything from God about the future since I thought about transferring, which was such a clear decision. What I have learned is trusting and not doubting God is hard.

Good things that I need to praise God for:

- His son, Jesus.
- My family and friends
- Coffee :)
- Good runs!
- Getting to be His, and His love.
- Good health
- Truman
- men (even though they annoy me right now, their pretty specieal)
- Kindness, forgiveness, and hugs

I long for a rain storm....they are so comforting in times like these. I have been really tired the past couple of days, drained of all energy and thought-processing. I miss the sound of the rain as it hits the window and the thunder. I think its because I am in a safe dry place while it happens. Today has been like any day in the fact of whats going around me. Nothing too drastic and all is well for the most part, but for some reason all I want to do is cry. Like a good solid overwhelming cry, for the lost, for hurt, for the broken. I don't want to go through this world with a numb heart, one that is not willing to forgive or to love. That has been on my heart.

Right now I could use a lot of patience and understanding, thanks.