I long for a rain storm....they are so comforting in times like these. I have been really tired the past couple of days, drained of all energy and thought-processing. I miss the sound of the rain as it hits the window and the thunder. I think its because I am in a safe dry place while it happens. Today has been like any day in the fact of whats going around me. Nothing too drastic and all is well for the most part, but for some reason all I want to do is cry. Like a good solid overwhelming cry, for the lost, for hurt, for the broken. I don't want to go through this world with a numb heart, one that is not willing to forgive or to love. That has been on my heart.

Right now I could use a lot of patience and understanding, thanks.

What I do instead of working,lol.

So lately I have been struggling with self-image. I am calling it as it is, the heavy sin that is the root of so much of my other sin. I have in my head so many ideas of how people, mainly guys, see me and if I don't go through a major desperation and seek them out quickly then I will be nothing in their eyes. I don't want to see what I am doing as sin, but it is because I am doing it plainly to be noticed and gain attention. It seems like all my motivations are geared towards me being liked because it can be controlled. I might never be able to control my thoughts or what I say all the time, but I will be sure to control what I look like: goes back to not being liked if known. I mean our society does not make this easy. We see everywhere attacks on people that bring them down, we have even experienced this in our own life. If we make one mistake then its out to the curb...unless you can do something extraordinary. As I was writing this all I could think of was Brittany Spears. I mean she made some big mistakes and yeah she's famous so she is an easy target, but she's human. I guess I challenge myself and others to really examine who they choose to complain about or attack.

Sorry about the tangent. So I thought about what I could do to change my perception, and answer would be easy concentrate on Jesus and how he completes me even in my imperfections, sin, and failures. When we examine ourselves so closely we begin to see an impossible task set out before us, which was never suppose to be a task in the first place. I believe that our job is to love God and be careful what we let in our hearts (media, pictures, music,etc..) and that will change who we are over time. When we try to fix it, I always thought it was like placing gum over a linking pipe, it might last for a while but over time it will cause more harm than good. BUT, what if you do not see how God can use you or love you enough? This might be because of past experiences or lack in your own life. You read the words but that is not enough and I don't believe God wanted to leave it like that. I remember hearing someone say its like performing surgery. You don't understand what you would be doing based on reading, it confirms it, but you have to experience it in order to master it. Also, God never told you to never ask to show you his love, so do it, be bold. God does love us and even enjoys us. I think I need some coffee, thanks for reading.