Fear

I have been writing a lot on this thing,hmmm. I know one thing I feel fear. It feels as if someone is grabing at my heart and squeezing real hard. I know the source, I know why but that doesn't really realease its grips. I have a fear of being replaced, that I am easily replaceable. I have felt this before because it is triggered when there is lack of trust and certainty. We as humans fear and dread a time where no one will need us, that we have become eaisly exchange for something more fulfilling (not talking about God here but merely with each other). I guess that shows that I am holding on too tight to people. I cannot bear to be rejected by people that I hold on even to the bad stuff in my life because it at least gives me a sense of comfort, how sick is that. I would rather have something that will probably leave me, abuse me, and have no concern for me at all than have God fill me and complete me with love, trust, beauty, joy, and truth. I KNOW I am holding too tight, its killing me, why can't I see that, there have been like twenty times where this has occured and I have chosen to choose poorly each time.

So I realize that I am more healed when I address what I am going through aloud. The last coupld of days I have been fighting with the following feelings:

- anger
-confusion
-revenge

I have this urge to continue to feel these things towards a person because I feel that I am just in feeling this way. I was talking with someone who is friends with me and the person that I am having a hard time with, we will call them Ash. The friend informed me of something Ash said and it made me feel shameful and confused how to feel. A lot of what is going on can be placed on my shoulders, I knew better, but still I am left not knowing how to handle the situation. Many boundaries have been crossed, mostly emotionally. I want to blame Ash and also place my hurt on Ash, yeah not good, but its what I feel. Sometimes I feel that I can just ignore the situation and things will be ok, but this has happen before and I know that there is a chance it could happen again. I just feel like the one being tossed about, that Ash is not hurt about what has been going on. Sometimes I feel that people are wanting to protect Ash more than protecting me. That is how I am confused, but mainly just want to get even cause what the person to my friend was hurtful and didn't seem to consider my feelings in the matter. My friend said to look at the situation as it is, that Ash is not a christian so doesn't think the same way as would a christian, well even if so what Ash did, christian or not christian, the person knew better, especially when Ash considers me a friend! Ahhh, I want them to go away, these feelings of rage. I don't want them towards this person, I want to forgive myself for what I said and did, but I can't right now, I mean I can, but...

Truth:

- What I did was sin, plain and simple. No matter what the sin, it is forgiven.
-God wants to release me of these feelings and bring me to peace towards this person.
-I need to address this to the person, they need the right to know that I am hurt so that we can resolve the issue. Here I need to place boundaries and what this friendship should be.
-Stop blaming me or Ash, learn what it means to forgive and act on it.
-Stop being afraid of how others will react and do what is right.

I pray to have courage and be bold in my words and action.

I feel alone and tired. I had a hard day trying to keep my mind out of danger, and did not give it to God. When I was on facebook, I asked myself, "Anna, what are you searching for? Will it give you rest, will it make you not worry?" I know those answers cause I am left empty, and its addicting. I know who I should give it to, but I feel so unsure and distrustful to the only one that I can really trust.

Reach of a hand, a calming yet frighting reminder

that things have never really changed.

Locked with a secret key that only the soul and God can find,

yet you are able to unlock it, how can this be?

My walls of protection fall when your near, your weapon

simple pleasure and longing to fulfill what is lacking.

I am no woman, merely a little girl

wanting so much to be desired.

So I guess its time to be real. I have sinned, greatly towards my King and God, yet I feel like I don't know him so it doesn't hurt as much as I would have thought. It will not leave me, what I have done, and I feel alone. I know that I am weak and frail, I cannot let my self believe that I am able to fight it without God's help. What I am believing is that what I have done, I should have known better and that since I knew clearly what I did its worse and that God could not forgive such a sinner that keeps repeating the same thing. But then I know that God 

1. Can handle anything that I do.

2. is stronger than I allow him to be.

3. won't abandon me. I need to stop testing him, he is not going to leave me.

4. loves me.

5. is more than anything that I can come up with, he is a Mighty God. 

Its not by my actions that I am His child, but through His. It is through His Grace!