Lately, I have been struggling with feelings towards a certain person, or more like a group of certain people: men. I noticed that I don't trust them and have a hard time even wanting to be around them. Its not that they are deliberately hurting me, but my friendships with them have become so shallow. I don't expect much out of them cause well they are just boys and getting to a certain closeness with them will hurt both of us, but what I do have with them seems so...fake. Its like we try so hard to strip anything that might cause us to have feelings for the other that we strip who we are. I hate friendships that can't allow me to have a friend, but simply a person who I barely know anything about.

Then there is this whole why doesn't anyone like me. It drives me nuts. I know I have had boys in the past like me, but what were they really. I mean they turned out to not really have wanted me but a relationship, so I don't really count them. And each time it turns out that way, well it pains me. Then I don't want to get close to any boy because what if I scare them off, what if I cannot meet their standards, or I really don't want him to like me and I think he does. It goes on. Honestly, I know the problem, and its really not a problem than an inconvenious at the moment, according to me. I know God loves and will provide the man when needed, he is just waiting until we are both ready to handle what he has for us. Maybe I can't, I can't seem even to really want God these days, which IS a problem. I have been so focused on not having the man I want, and complaining by ignoring God until he does, but the fact is I know he is not going to give in. He can't be moved or persuaded. I just am stubborn and unwilling to face facts. Instead of praying that he will change my heart, I expected him to say ok Anna you win. I guess I feel that if I have a man, I will at least know somewhat of the direction God is leading me, but I don't and am scared that maybe I am on my own. Ok. Right there is falsehood, God is not going to allow me to face the future alone, but I guess what I meant is that I haven't felt anything from God about the future since I thought about transferring, which was such a clear decision. What I have learned is trusting and not doubting God is hard.

Good things that I need to praise God for:

- His son, Jesus.
- My family and friends
- Coffee :)
- Good runs!
- Getting to be His, and His love.
- Good health
- Truman
- men (even though they annoy me right now, their pretty specieal)
- Kindness, forgiveness, and hugs